Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

We can all achieve bigger and better things in life if we adopt the willingness to push harder and longer with faith.

God gave you a gift of 86 400 seconds today. Have you used one to say thank you

I find few more satisfying exhibitions of power and control than deliberately creating desire - only to capriciously deny it...

Finding one’s voice is a process of finding one’s passion.

The best umpired game is the game in which the fans cannot recall the umpires who worked it.

The Jews are a race and not a religion. My goal was not to persecute the Jews but to enlighten Gentiles to put them on guard.

... studying is a preparation for knowing; it is a patient and impatient exercise on the part of someone whose intent is not to know it all at once but to struggle to meet the timing of knowledge.

A man is what he is and no fancy lodgings or fine clothes will change that (Daniel Brennan)

The inward battle--against our mind, our wounds, and the residues of the past--is more terrible than outward battle.

One of the great ambitions is to discover the diversity of the world, to discover who inhabits the world.