Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Ronan did not smoke

Many church folk, in their self-conscious attempt to be overtly morally upright, emit all the wrong signals, thus messing with people's perception of the gospel.

It is the task of the architect to give life a gentler structure.

I think it's always good for the author to stay a good cattle prod's distance from the actual moviemaking.

Communism introduced into the world a substitute for true religion. It is a counterfeit of the gospel plan.

Attempt to teach the young but little at a time; this will be easier to impart, easier to receive, and surer to be retained.

Remember that the reader's attention is yours for only a single instant. They will not use up their valuable time trying to figure out what you mean.

Give away your love, freely and without expectation. Give it away, and soon your life will be filled with love, and you will have set others on the path of love and peace.

I am single for two reasons. First, I don't date girls who watch Real World because they already think they know me. Second, a lot of girls look at me as the slutty seven.

You know I'm a firm believer that women come in all shapes and all sizes and you know certain people like certain things. It's all good, whether it's big, small, whatever.