Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Education is the key which opens the magical door of wisdom which reveals the beauty and purpose of life.

Nobody deserves to be praised for goodness unless he is strong enough to be bad, for any other goodness is usually merely inertia or lack of will-power

I promise to be a splendid husband, but give me a wife who, like the moon, won't in my sky every day...

Make me an instrument of thy peace.

Justice is achieved only when injustice is absent.

Robin Hood is often seen as the hands-on-hips, archetypal, tally-ho hero. But, realistically, the one calling the shots wouldn't be at the front shouting about it. He'd be the one you don't expect.

The British government says that for Sinn Fein to be involved in talks the guns must be left at the door.

Strangers talking over piles of books do not remain strangers for long.

Everyone felt comfortable with these guys and what their vision was, and when they said they want to keep the staff intact, that was very encouraging.

God expects no complaining on our part and offers no explanation on His part.