Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.

Don’t forget to collect the memories on your journey. Remember, if you only focus on your destination, you will miss out on the benefits of the journey.

If Christians always seemed to be the most intelligent and the most righteous of men, I'd be a skeptic.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

The only way anyone can hope to live after death is if he leaves something that posterity can remember him for.

The bitterest satires and noblest eulogies on married life have come from poets.

A person God himself deems as wise is one who not only hears His voice, but immediately begins to act upon His instruction.

Our biggest national security threat is the environmental destruction of our planet and the arms race with ourselves.

The single greatest invention man ever conceived in the dollar bill, because I don't want to know the conversion rate for coconuts.

Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving.

In a lot of ways, the make-up was the character.