[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

Mastery of impulse is all about self-discipline and choice. The mind is a powerful tool with which we have the ability to be in control of ourselves.

My nose is broken, " I said. Damn that Dumbo. Made me self-conscious."My ankle's broken, " he said."Then I'll come to you.

If you desire to be rich with joy, you have to be truly dedicated to God and His work.

It is in the thick of a calamity that one gets hardened to the truth, in other words to silence.

But mothers lie. It's in the job description.

I don't really know who I am as an actor: the best thing would be to experiment with it for the next 30 years and never really find out.

When you're alone, it's easier," she said a little wistfully. "You can do what you want. You don't have to go home.

This moment in time, on this tour, you know, I'm discovering a lot of new things. And to be 45 and doing that, it's a mixture of pleasure and pain, I can assure you.

Pity aims just as little at the pleasure of others as malice at the pain of others Per-Se.

The end of suffering does not justify the suffering, what a mess I am, I thought, what a fool, how foolish and narrow, how worthless, how pinched and pathetic, how helpless.