Glutton- A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get one perfect rose.

— Why did blondes vote for Clinton? — They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious!

i see when you doubt yourself, i feel your fear. please put down your burden and remember i am here. -your angels.

My kid, her life. I want for her what she wants for herself.

In every endeavor, you owe it to yourself to always push until the door of opportunity of opens.

I have one head that wants to be good, And one that wants to be bad.And always, as soon as I get up, One of my heads is sad.

Although I'm predominantly known for game-shows, I do prefer to be known as a performer.

Childhood and genius have the same master organ in common - inquisitiveness.

and I think that everything in life is kind of unreal, isn't it?

Why should I copy this owl, this sea urchin? Why should I try to imitate nature? I might just as well try to trace a perfect circle.