God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

As the manager sits before a performance, as the critics wait like hungry dogs to rip apart the performance, they all become entwined in the theatrics of it all.

Visibility is a trap.

We miss Jesus' point entirely when we use His words as weapons against others.

They say the breaks even up in the long run, and the trick is to be a long-distance runner.

Christ's blood is the great sovereign remedy for sin-sick souls.

Yeah, I can see why beautiful cars are compared to beautiful women... they usually belong to someone else.

I didn't know what to expect from a famous movie star; maybe that he'd be sort of stuck-up, you know. But not Gary Cooper. He horsed around so much... that I had a hard time painting him.

No one likes it, apart from blind people, and I'm sure even they can sense it's profound ugliness as it passes by.

Faith in friendship is the noblest part.

I would like to be referred to as 'The Big Aristotle'.