God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Since the human mind is the primary weapon of the human being, it is also therefore the primary and most significant instrument of violence.

It began as research. I wrote of silences, of nights, I scribbled the indescribable. I tied down the vertigo.

I feel passionate about nurses. I would do anything for nurses. Anything.

If you aren't hungry for God, you are full of yourself.

I believe that we have to be so race-conscious in this day and age.

This principle that judges are not politicians lies at the very heart of a judicial job - of the judicial job description.

I just want to make good music that, you know, appeals to all people, man. I want to branch out and you know just have a lot of multiplatinum albums.

Balance and good fortune can only come to a person who is balanced and feels fortunate.

One thing I hate in movies is when the camera starts circling around the characters. I find that totally fake.

When I go mad, I call my friends by phone: I am afraid they might think they're alone.