God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

These virtues are formed in man by his doing the actions ... The good of man is a working of the soul in the way of excellence in a complete life.

People often say that the beginning of the rainy season is a bad time for sick people

Tears may come and go, But there's one thing I know. All my life you're a friend of mine. You can depend on me. I'll be fine... 'Cause you're a friend of mine.

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Just do something that makes you stand out. Even if not everyone likes it, just do it.

You lose like five pounds immediately, and your face is glowing and gorgeous!

My mother still calls me Jim and that is about it. Everyone else calls me Lee. My wife calls me whatever.

Lavender is the new pink. I'll never stop wearing pink but I wanted to venture out.

Knowledge of anatomy is a tool like good brushes.

Theodore Dreiser Should ought to write nicer.