God invented mankind because he loved silly stories. Ralph Steadman I like being absurd.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

The external rest comes unexpected.

Notoriety wasn't as good as fame, but was heaps better than obscurity.

I think women love glamour. I mean, not all women, but I think this is something that women share.

I wouldn't say that I've mellowed. I'm less mellow, perhaps.

A lot of ultramarathoners are soloists. They're single and live lives off the grid.

Of course I voted for him. He wasn't a politician; he was a craze.

Consumers all over the world will be able to flip open their phones and see their favorite Warner Music videos.

I have a very strong opinions about health and our responsibility to our own health, and I will always say what I feel.

France was long a despotism tempered by epigrams.