God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

It's regrets that make painful memories. When I was crazy I did everything just right.

To be at peace, does not mean that you are amiss of every storm, it only means that you can find a calm within the storm.

America needs to relearn a lost discipline, self-confident relentlessness...

History tells us what people do; historical fiction helps us imagine how they felt.

A vet! I started laughing weakly and had to sit on the edge of the tub. A vet. Wait till they found out how appropriate that was.

For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love." (Let the Right One In)

I'd love to write about my growing sexual awareness, but the press would turn it into something squalid.

You only get one Alan Bond in your lifetime. And I've had mine

I train a lot of people on the side as a personal trainer, but I still work out myself to keep in great shape.

The possible solutions to a given problem emerge as the leaves of a tree, each node representing a point of deliberation and decision.