God is like a shitty girlfriend.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

You must not make hasty decisions because they make you do what you would not have done normally

If you cannot please everyone with your deeds and your art, please a few. To please many is bad.

The women cried with one another, and it didn't seem to matter whether you were Jewish or Christian, you just mourned.

To be a mirror of God’s love is to show Jesus by one’s way of living

You can only get discipline in the mass by discipline in the individual.

To me, the most poetic and intelligent way to bring up a subject is by showing very simply who you are and what you believe in.

I'm convinced that our duty to provide advice and consent for justices of the Supreme Court is our most important constitutional responsibility.

Many of our deepest motives come, not from an adult logic of how things work in the world, but out of something that is frozen from childhood.

I never ever took my career seriously.

To make your life being a writer, it's an auto-slavery ... you are both the slave and the task-master.