God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

[T]he race is long - to finish first, first you must finish.

The jar of oil is sacred anointing

There is no place so dangerous as a world without magic.

Feminists are incapable of crafting a coherent argument using their words. It almost always involves menstrual blood or some sort of reference to ladyparts.

Out of misery, comes unexpected joy.

What wonderful things are events! The least are of greater importance than the most sublime and comprehensive speculations.

When into the womb of time everything is again withdrawn chaos will be restored and chaos is the score upon which reality is written.

The dark book has been terribly popular. Dark characters, dysfunction, and all sorts of things from reality that are true in our world.

Everything we do, I'd imagine, influences everything we will do.

Mrs. Robinson is a little dated now, but it has nothing to do with Joe DiMaggio.