God tipped the country and all the fruits and nuts rolled west.

It's much harder to be a liberal than a conservative. Why? Because it is easier to give someone the finger than a helping hand.

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.

It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an 'information highway,' but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies.

A Pessimist sees the glass as half empty; A Cub Fan wonders when it's gonna spill.

Newspapers, magazines and other publications have the constitutional right to be offensive, even disgusting. As evidence of that, just watch this space regularly.

The subject of criminal rehabilitation was debated recently in City Hall. It's an appropriate place for this kind of discussion because the city has always employed so many ex-cons and future cons.

Contrary to popular belief. It's much wiser to take money from the poor than the rich.

For some people, being free means being free to keep their feet on someone else's chest.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers, and cheating on your income tax.

Reagan's approach will achieve one of the basic goals of the conservative: Things remain basically the same. The rich stay rich and the poor stay poor, or even a little poorer.

Seek the miracles in a sacred moment.

Books open your mind, broaden your mind, and strengthen you as nothing else can.

The best way to trick yourself into actually feeling these positive feelings, even if you are not feeling too good is to use your memories, fantasies, dreams and desires judiciously.

The secret of discipline is motivation. When a man is sufficiently motivated discipline will take care of itself.

I think every person has the ability to affect change...through our every thought our every word, the way that we interact with other people. We are constantly affecting the world.

Where is it written that houses must be beige? Any dun colored house would look better if painted pineapple, cream, ochre, or even a smart sage.

The mellow sweetness of pumpkin pie off a prison spoon is something you will never forget.

And, you know, I never wanted to be a singer.

My function is, as objectively and accurately as I can, to present reality to people out there, and doing that as quickly as we do is quite difficult enough, thank you.

I'm not pro-life. I'm very emphatically pro-choice.