Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Writers need each other.

I'm not going to appeal to violence or aggression - of course not.

Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.

You have to fight for your privacy or you lose it.

I have the conviction that excessive literary production is a social offence.

Girl? He pressed. The name is Riley, she shot back. Learn it. Use it!

Women never look so well as when one comes in wet and dirty from hunting.

Prayer wonderfully clears the vision; steadies the nerves; defines duty; stiffens the purpose; sweetens and strengthens the spirit.

Surfeit begets insolence, when prosperity comes to a bad man.

True charity consists in putting up with all one's neighbors fault's; never being surprised by his weakness, and being inspired by the least of his virtues.