Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream.

The only thing of value on this earth is that each of us is an individual and not a cog in a machine. No man is better than another because of circumstance or fortune, but each important to his own.

I do not read for I have renounced life, I read because one life is just not enough for me.

The Republican party does have a lot of work to do. But changing our principles is not a winning strategy. We need to modernize, not moderate.

My men don't surrender. I don't want to hear of any soldier under my command being captured unless he has been hit. Even if you are hit, you can still fight back.

I'm not sure people even think of me as an actor at all.

I'm not a Tony Blair impersonator.

Gratitude is a duty none can be excused from, because it is always at our own disposal.

This is a very grave matter, punishable by...well, I do not exactly know what, but something rather severe, I should imagine.

I think all happiness depends on the energy to assume the mask of some other life, on a re-birth as something not one's self.