Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

Only when we start to distinguish reality from fantasy that we can humbly, with eyes wide open, forge loving and sustainable connections with others.

You only encounter problems that You can handle!!!!

A writer takes earnest measures to secure his solitude and then finds endless ways to squander it.

It doesn't feel good when you have to struggle to get your pants on.

If you always tell people why, they'll understand it better, they'll consider it more important, and they'll be more likely to comply.

Mr. Rickey, I'll put more people in the park than anybody since Babe Ruth.

For me fashion is an expression of art that is very closely related both to me and to my body. I see it as an expression of identity combined with desire, moods and a cultural setting.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute-but they all worship money.

My weak suit is whatever each reader hates about each book.