[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Cease ye from man whose breath is in his nostrils.

If criticism could kill you, I'd be dead.

Feels right to have a woman follow President Obama, doesn't it?

As souls must cry when they awaken in tiny babies and find themselves far from heaven

Some days are a blessing when you wake up and you say, 'Wow, I feel good today.' Some days are like: 'Wow, I feel bad. I got no chance today.' You tape it up and you go.

Style is the dress of thoughts, and let them be ever so just.

If we choose to believe that we're responsible for our experiences, the good and the so-called bad, then we have the opportunity to outgrow the effects of the past. We can change. We can be free.

Why should I go into details, we have nothing that is not perishable except what our hearts and our intellects endows us with.

I've been to two concerts in the last 10 years.Bob Seger and the Eagles.

If a D.C. event doesn't have crab cakes, it's low-rent and you need to flee.