Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight. Oh, I'm praying that somebody tries to break in here tonight.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

Let's be honest about journalists: We find a lot of ways of being wrong.

If you want to kill someone, you'd better pull off a perfect crime. Our security lies in the fact that that's damnably hard to do.

It was worthwhile to come here only to see why Europe is rottening, why all this people - good for nothing - are the cause of all the Hitlers and Mussolinis.

Capacity never lacks opportunity. It cannot remain undiscovered because it is sought by too many anxious to use it.

Forgiveness is a sacrifice. You're giving up being right about something, whether you're right or wrong about it.

Imprisoned in a cage of sound, even the trivial seems profound

There cannot be greater rudeness than to interrupt another in the current of his discourse.

To quit this troubled world is better than to enter it: the rosebud enters the garden with straitened heart and departs smiling.

To persist in doing wrong extenuates not the wrong, but makes it much more heavy.