Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You have to shelf your excitement and be realistic about your internal and external strengths and weaknesses. (p.70)

Worry is the senseless process of cluttering up tomorrows opportunities with leftover problems from today

The only players I hurt with my words are the ones who have an inflated opinion of their ability.

Wherever there are sinners, the weak, the sorrowful, the poor in the world, that is where God goes.

We have to say what's happening. There is crime, as you know. There's a lot of crime and there's a lot of problems. But I think together [with Enrique Pena], we'll solve those problems.

Everyone has the right to their lives and to look the way they want to! Tomorrow I can put on 25 kilos it's my choice, my body!

I may speak many languages, but there remains one in which I live.

Sometimes I aid into the confusion by having my character's name be my name.

The world would become better off If people tried to become better. And people would become better If they stopped trying to become better off.

When I said I no longer wanted to be a painter, that I wanted to be an actor, the first thing I did was get a stinking job in an insurance building.