Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Man's most important achievement is not about standing up and start walking but, standing up to speak the truth.

It's this no-nonsense side of women that is pleasant to deal with. They are the real sportsmen.

One man is more concerned with the impression he makes on the rest of mankind, another with the impression the rest of mankind makes on him.

So before we end And then begin We'll drink a toast to how it's been A few more hours to be complete A few more nights on satin sheets A few more times that I can say, I've loved these days.

My favourite vampires are all very scary indeed. So the idea of falling in love with one is just weird to me.

I learned two basic lessons on Everest. First, just because something has worked in the past does not mean it will work today. Second, different challenges require different mindsets.

But not all of them are decorated to the same level of taste.

But I think people see 'Wallace and Gromit' as something akin to an elderly couple. These two know each other so well. Nothing can split them apart.

It is easy for a rabbi to establish prohibitions, but a rabbi's real strength is to teach Torah and rule on lawwith an emphasis on what is permitted.

The most important things cannot be measured.