Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money.

Every week when my batch of weekly cartoons would go to FedEx, it felt like a small miracle. Then in a few days, it's 'Here we go again.'

I don't believe in the concept of hell, but if I did I would think of it as filled with people who were cruel to animals.

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry'.

You always hear a headline like this, 'Man Killed By Shark', you never hear it from the other perspective, 'Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food'.

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.

You should always leave the party 10 minutes before you actually do.

The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen... The world's climates are changing, the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a walnut.

The fuel light's on, Frank! We're all going to die! Wait, wait... Oh, my mistake - that's the intercom light.

Hot oil! We need hot oil!... Forget the water balloons!

The world made me cold. You made me water. One day we'll be clouds.

You possess great strength and vitality.

One of the misfortunes of our time is that in getting rid of false shame we have killed off so much real shame as well.

There is no innovation and creativity without failure. Period.

She was astonished, and at the same time she knew. There were many things in life like that. You couldn’t imagine it, and then it happened and you couldn’t really imagine it hadn’t.

It looks like you can write a minimalist piece without much bleeding. And you can. But not a good one.

It is when power is wedded to chronic fear that it becomes formidable.

Anyone can be a fisherman in May.

Love is the greatest touch-up artist of all.

Next time you want to hit me hit me with a baseball bat or a crowbar!