Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Home is where we tie one end of the thread of life.

Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance.

The true meaning of the precepts is that one should refrain not only from drinking alcohol but also from getting drunk on nirvana.

We don't want apartheid liberalized. We want it dismantled. You can't improve something that is intrinsically evil.

He found Pendergast's cool gaze on him, and he fidgeted. He'd forgotten about those eyes. They made you feel like you had just been stripped of your secrets.

Focus on winning the contest with yourself.

Fairest of stars, last in the train of night, If better thou belong not to the dawn.

Keep up your conjugal love in a constant heat and vigor. Love will suppress wrath: you cannot have a bitter mind upon small provocations, against those that you dearly love.

a young woman in love always looks like patience on a monument smiling at grief

Arguing with the girlfriend. Mid argument she says "Were you on Monday night Raw last night?" I had no comeback.