Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The world is dictated by our desires rather than our thoughts. The prior puts the latter in motion.

I freely will the best choice, thus willing the same will

I came out to my parents when I was a junior in college. And it was pretty fine. They were more concerned with why I wasn't dating anyone. But now I'm 36, and I still don't date anyone.

You think you know how much you can love another person, and then you have a child and you realize you didn't know. It's infinitely rewarding.

A good artist is willing to die many times over. What's funny is, I've died so many times.

I had to make a drastic change at Sun Records and I didn't really appreciate country music until I went there.

Fear of danger is ten thousand times more terrifying than danger itself.

Our focus is our reality. What we choose to focus on becomes our world. It produces our thoughts, values, attitudes, and beliefs.

Be good now, Potty...Weasel King.

And as I'm striving to change the world, I will be happy.