HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Knowledge can be powerful. But it can only be beautiful if there is more to it. If it is guided by something greater than the simple desire to enhance the potency of the mind.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

The reward of friendship is itself. The man who hopes for anything else does not understand what true friendship is.

'Yeezus, ' I really love it. I think the sound of it is cool.

Complete control can be the death of a work.

Somehow love gives even to a dull man the knowledge of his lover's heart.

The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh.

I'm asking you to make at least some of your Christmas giving important.

What's the point of prolonging your life if you don't enjoy it? It's your body. Do whatever you want with it. Better to wear out than rust over.

There's such good writing now on television and I don't see a lot of great writing on films sadly.