Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Live and let live is not enough live and help live is not too much.

From without no wonderful effect is wrought within ourselves unless some interior responding wonder meets it.

Even if I have hundreds of things to do, the disconnected feeling is still there because it is very hard to find a real purpose of life.

Kevin was a shell game in which all three cups were empty.

Being nervous isn't bad. It just means something important is happening.

Language: the one tool that enables us to grasp hold of our lives and transcend our fate by understanding it.

Human vanity cherishes the absurd notion that our species is the final goal of evolution.

If you don't live in your strengths, you'll die in your weaknesses. Do first and most what you're good at, and bring others along who are good at your weaknesses.

If you suffer from depression, anything that makes you feel has to the most important thing in your life, because it's the only thing that can save you.

I have so much confidence in the good sense of man, and his qualifications for self-government, that I am never afraid of the issue where reason is left free to exert her force.