Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

The building of publicly funded stadiums has become a substitue for anything resembling an urban policy.

You cannot bring democracy to a country by attacking it.

You'll think I'm off my trolley when I say this, but the Bush administration is the most radical - in a positive sense - in its approach to Africa since Kennedy.

When general relativity was first put forward in 1915, the math was very unfamiliar to most physicists. Now we teach general relativity to advanced high school students.

Slapping a rattlesnake across the face with the back of your hand is safer than trying to fool Henry Aaron.

Magicians are definitely more arrogant. They're kind of like "Abra Kadabra, you're an idiot," they don't let you in on the joke. Comedians, you're always in on the joke unless it's Andy Kaufman.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I believe that love is the single, true prosperity of any moment.

As people get older, they get married, have kids. I'm not married. I don't have kids, so I'm able to focus 100 percent on this.

Look em in the eye. Make a gesture of inclusion, which he did all the time. And above all, have a chorus. So I learned from Pete Seeger to have something for them to sing.