Happiness, at my age, is breathing

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

He's sort of a Svengali... It means someone who's manipulative. More than that: somebody who makes you think that you need him in order to accomplish anything.

You must understand that it is not in the nature of Man to be grateful. So in whatever you or I do for others we must never expect gratitude. If we do, we will only be disappointed.

If you deny yourself commitment what can you do with your life?

I'm at peace with myself. The main thing is not letting people dictate what I do or what I am.

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.

Vices are sometimes only virtues carried to excess!

A lot of the evil in the world is actually not intentional. A lot of people in the financial system did a lot of damage without intending to.

In the bureaucracy, incentives will forever be inverted. Failure results in success: in more funds, more training, more time off.

I feel like the modeling industry is a little bit more accepting of women who make mistakes. They appreciate the idea of icons.

In short, everything about his life was different for him at the bottom of that well.