Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Live authentically. Why would you continue to compromise something that's beautiful to create something that is fake?

Remembering lies is a full-time job, one best to quit.

It was June, and the world smelled of roses. The sunshine was like powdered gold over the grassy hillside.

Haste is good only in catching fleas.

for we are inquiring not in order to know what virtue is, but in order to become good, since otherwise our inquiry would have been of no use

If medicine was practiced in 1965 the way it's practiced today, there's no question that prescriptions would have been included in Medicare.

A lot of us are too busy focusing on what we think people want to hear, as opposed to just saying what's in our hearts.

We know that there is no absolute knowledge, that there are only theories; but we forget this. The better educated we are, the harder we believe in axioms.

I don't want to take food off of somebody's plate.

The first instinct is love.