Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

The fact to which we have got to cling, as to a lifebelt, is that it is possible to be a normal decent person and yet be fully alive.

It is ourselves that we must spread under Christ's feet, not coats nor lifeless branches or shoots of trees.

But I've swallowed my pride before, that's for sure. I'm practically lined with my mistakes on the inside like a bad-wallpapered bathroom.

PDCA is the essence of managerial work: making sure the job gets done today and developing better ways to do it tomorrow.

The act of philosophizing involves the character of the philosopher.

There's different levels of where we do well throughout Europe. Fortunately, for us, it's pretty great all throughout it.

I'm proud of my kids, they are doing what they want to do.

Clearly money has something to do with life.

Most things in here don't react well to bullets.