Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Cultivate the habit of setting clearly-defined written goals

If I have only one coin left in the world, I will buy a rose to propose to you.

Don't let yourself be lulled into inaction.

I think [nancy Reagan] was a very controlled and controlling person, because she was so scared all the time and because she had such an inner sense of panic.

I'm really interested in modern history, but to fulfill a History degree at Brown you have to do modern and pre-modern.

It took us 6 years to get the right weapons to fight BokoHaram.

Right through to the end of the last World Cup game, I still couldnt bear the thought of not being perfect or letting people down.

Discordance is evil. Harmony is virtue.

I think some guys have the ability to learn from themselves and get better. Those are the guys that last a long time and continue to improve in this league and in sports in general.