Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

The sea stood up before him, foaming, torn by lightning bolts, opening terrifying mouths that gobbled up the dense, hard black rains unleashed by the sky like hate.

There are powers inside of you which, if you could discover and use, would make of you everything you ever dreamed or imagined you could become.

I am a sprinter, and I love to go fast. It's very difficult for me to be patient and follow a race strategy or conserve energy.

Boxing is a buzz, but I went into it to make a living. I wasn't going to go into the ring and get punched in the head for the fun of it.

I wish that I was where I am.

There are things we can do [with violence], and we ought to do it in a bipartisan way.

The passions are like those demons with which Afrasahiab sailed down the Orus. Our only safety consists in keeping them asleep. If they we are lost.

Experiences isn't the best teacher - evaluated experience is.

The ways are two: love and want of love. That is all.

You have to be very prudent with what you are doing and what sort of tools you are utilizing. Drones have become a wonderful new tool in filmmaking.