Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

They say that life is just a blank chain, and precious moments are the beads we hang off it to make it beautiful.

I'm independent and strong, but sometimes...just sometimes, it's nice to be taken case of. It's nice to be made to feel like a lady

The goal shouldn't be to be the next Silicon Valley (there'll always only be one of those) - it's to be your own startup community.

I think it's all lovely hallucination but I love it sorta.

Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.

I'd like to direct at some point. But I don't know because 10 years ago I would have never imagined that I'd be here. So in 10 years from now, I might be running a rodeo.

Civilizations have been founded and maintained on theories which refused to obey facts.

It's my responsibility as a singer-songwriter to report the news.

I didnt know what it was not to work hard as I grew up.

Image and appearance tell you little. The inside is bigger than the outside when you have the eyes to see.