Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That's 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

The mouse that makes jest of a cat has already seen a hole nearby... We don't fear the devil because we are leaning on the resurrection power of Christ!

I didn’t answer her. All I could have said was I don’t know, a sentence that was becoming a kind of witness to our own ignorance or incompetence. Or both.

Daredevil's religion makes him unique. He's a vigilante, but he's also a lawyer - and all the while, he believes only God is capable of bringing people to justice.

Comment is free but facts are sacred.

By knowing your character so well you can't go wrong. All of us kind of fell into that.

When we are caught up in a destructive emotion, we lose one of our greatest assets: our independence.

So she listened hard. And she began to evolve, because stories work their magic that way. They build conviction and erode conviction in equal measure.

I've struggled with money when I could have had a little more if I'd just taken the damn job.

To hearts which near each other move From evening close to morning light,The night is good; because, my love,They never say good-night.

Art degraded, Imagination denied.