Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

Unless you build castles in the air, how can you make them?

All truth is simple... is that not doubly a lie?

I like having the freedom to dress as I desire.

Well chaps first I'd like to say a few vile things more or less at random, not only because it is expected of me but also because I enjoy it.

Do not lay things too much to heart. No one is ever really beaten unless he is discouraged.

That bad letters of every kind arise from want of the habit of thinking, I cannot doubt.

For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on their titles.

The people who influence us are those who have stood unconsciously for the right thing. They are like the stars and the lilies, and the joy of God flows through them all the time.

I'm the guy doing calisthenics. I'm doing jumping jacks and deep knee bends. I work out like a British person.