Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I dug her usage of "Spotify" as a verb.

And all our gods are not lies. They existed. All our gods, from the beginning of time, have been men with psychiatric conditions. And their delusions were so deep, they passed them on.

We have become accustomed to living our life with joy amidst pain and challenges.

I suppose if I didn't write for a living and it couldn't be published, I would have wanted to write anyway. I think there's something about the act of writing that organizes thoughts and memories.

Preventing radicalization that leads to violence here in America is part of our larger strategy to decisively defeat al Qaeda.

Every journey to something is a journey away from something

If you love someone, you should say it often, You never know when they'll be layin' in a coffin. Wake up, it's important that you know that No one on Earth is promised tomorrow.

The peace you seek is there, it's there between all the traffic in your mind, stop and rest for peace will find you if you let it.

Ask once, believe you have received, and all you have to do to receive is feel good.

I believe it is essential for our planetary future to develop tools that can change the consciousness which has created the crisis that we are in.