Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

...I'm just beginning to understand how kind you are.

Texting is a lot like an answering machine. If you don't want to talk to somebody, it's like screening your calls. To me, it's a way of communication, but not one that I favor.

I started going [Grateful Dead] when I was in high school. I was 15. It was the Summer Of Love.

Love received and love given comprise the best form of therapy.

A man who does not love praise is not a full man.

The question is not 'Can you make a difference?' You already do make a difference. It's just a matter of what kind of difference you want to make during your life on this planet.

To suffer the penalty of too much haste, which is too little speed.

You can't be grateful for something you feel entitled to.

Whenever in doubt, turn off your mind, relax, float downstream.