Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

I've learned that the only things we are in control of are the choices we make at any one given moment.

I clench my fists and try not to scream and I tuck my friends in my hea

I have a room dedicated to music and recording. I go there first thing in the morning and just before I go to bed. And it has a window to my street, so I can watch all the crazies walking by.

There is nothing in the world more peaceful than apple - leaves with an early moon.

I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...

Ultra competitive people who always need to win end up enjoying things less.

I have not the pleasure of understanding you.

Worship from the heart in times of adversity implies an attitude of humble acceptance on our part of God's right to do as He pleases in our lives.

A key U.S. initiative in this trade war must be to develop reliable trading partners in the world.

I want to fly! I want to touch the sun!" "Finish your eggs first.