Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Pure heart, pure soul.

The transition of nothing-to-something is a natural one, not requiring any agent.

God's grace will not take you where it cannot keep you.

No press, no television. If my mom calls and says, 'Did you hear about?' I don't want to know nothing about anything that is going on in relation to music. I shut it all off.

I saw in a blue haze all the world poured flat and pale between the mountains

It was shocking to realize how many low-income Americans don't have savings accounts.

What kind of man refers to himself as safely dead?

Our hearts must not only be broken with sorrow, but be broken from sin, to constitute repentance.

We must be faithful to the present moment or we will frustrate the plan of God for our lives.

The secret of image - worship is that you are trying to develop your vision of Divinity in one thing.