Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Ah, he has too many ideas, that man da Vinci. His mind works faster than his hands.

Io, Europa, Ganimedes puer, atque Calistolascivo nimium perplacuere Iovi.(Io, Europa, the boy Ganymede, and Callisto greatly pleased lustful Jupiter.)[Marius naming Jupiter's moons]

Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo.

They don't want to see rap music. They don't want to see the Beastie Boys. They don't care what we're doing. They want one thing and one thing only: that's to see Madonna come on stage.

I just love seeing people embrace freedom, faith, and courage in the face of enormous odds.

Can you think of a single area of government in which George Bush hasn't already made things worse than Bill Clinton did?

I also won one from the emperor of Japan, with a prize for the arts. That's important.

The choir always tittered and whispered all through the service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was.

Mr. President, you were elected to lead. You chose to follow. And now it's time for you to get out of the way.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome.