Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

There Are No Secrets of Success, It Is The Result of Preparation, Hard Work And Learning From Failures...

Some secrets are meant to stay secret forever.

One of the great virtues of our democratic system is that only one of the candidates gets elected.

Custom looks to things that are past, and fashion to things that are present, but both of them are somewhat purblind as to things that are to come.

So much of my life is not about work and that is usually mainly what I do tweet about. We live a very quiet life.

...I'm not going to be able to make things that I can call Kanye West just by making T-shirts.

Our culture seems to believe that it's entertaining to teach women to be frightened.

I have been to hell and back, and let me tell you, it was wonderful.

A proper autobiography is a death-bed confession.

Yes, I'm religious. God has shown me things, made certain ways clear to me.