Having a baby can be a scream.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Whatever the other person sees according to his view-point, you have to accept it. How can we make others accept our view-point?

Nothing is more memorable than truth beautifully told.

If only our eyes were silver feathered wings, undoubtedly, we would lash-lift our shimmered lids to the highest of life's limitless heights...then innately, instinctively, intentionally we would fly.

Energy even like the Biblical grain of mustard-seed will move mountains.

The Commonwealth is a vital and positive partnership between countries striving to develop trade relations and promote democracy and human rights, united by shared values.

We define content very broadly. Representing chefs, designers, makeup artists - it's all important.

There is nothing left to do but get drunk.

I'm Presbyterian and I don't go to church very much.

In the 30 years of my career, I have explored all possible mediums, except radio.

The fictional work is a kind of actor that wears a satirical garb but can put on other costumes as well.