Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

The humanity we all share is more important than the mental illnesses we may not

He had never imagined that a man in love could be so lonely.

I call horses divine mirrors - they reflect back the emotions you put in. If you put in love and respect and kindness and curiosity, the horse will return that.

The social entrepreneurs are governments' best friends.

Without artists, the order which we find in nature, and which is only an effect of art, would at once vanish.

Woman is a most charming creature, who changes her heart as easily as she does her gloves.

The Indian is but a sketch in red crayon of a rudimental manhood. To the problem of his relation to the white race, there is one solution: extermination.

. . . a friend . . . showed me the kitchen in her new home with the words, "This is my office." I knew what she meant. This is where I do the work I want to, the work I like and enjoy.

There's nothing that feels better than to do something nice for somebody. I mean nothing feels better.