Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You only gain in life when you multiply

While there are things about which one does not boast, there are others for which to be pitied would be all too humiliating.

Into the soul of every student I would have instilled the patriotic fervor of Patrick Henry.

The real servant of the people must live among them, think with them, feel for them, and die for them.

Greece is a medium-sized country in Europe. Our debt accounts for only 2.5 percent of the total of all members of the euro zone.

A real man isn't somebody who takes advantage of a young girl but who treats her with respect.

Daring to wear something different takes effort.

If the basic structure of Grameen is changed, the worry is that the poor women who are the rightful owners of the bank will be disenfranchised.

I wake up some mornings hating me too.

Michael Cole is a visionary!