He always wants to expand every one's rights: illegal aliens, terrorists, Russian spies, except American citizens.

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.

Poverty is not the root cause of crime.

Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at the ballot box.

We're not sexists, we're chauvinists - we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want.

End results that work that don’t involve government threaten liberals.

You know why there's a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one.

Styrofoam and plastic milk jugs are biodegradable! Do you know what isn't biodegradable? Paper!

I think cigars are just a tremendous addition to the enjoyment of life.

The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.

In a country of children where the option is Santa Claus or work, what wins?

America is a post-Christian nation only in the sense that we have built a tenement on the foundation of a palace.

The only ride I’m interested in is on you, cowboy, but I’m sure all the women say that.

Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful idiots are always asking, "What's in it for me"?

A war was coming either way. Now all I had to do was choose my opponent

You only live once. If you don't enjoy it, it's your fault, nobody else's

Vatican II declares the Church... as necessary for salvation.

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Come back here so that I may brain thee!

I am what I am again: a writer. I have metabolized the injury into art.

The thing I love most about being famous is people listening to me when I have something important to say.