He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Life is a gift and a challenge.

Loving money is more of a problem for those who do not have it.

Continuous denial of rational arguments represents a contempt of common sense.

Solar power is the last energy resource that isn't owned yet - nobody taxes the sun yet.

If you're rolling over rocks and stuff and you have a bigger wheel, it's going to stay out of the holes - rough sections become smoother.

Full of wiles, full of guile, at all times, in all ways, are the children of Men.

I didn't really know why I wanted to go to college. I didn't really have a reason to go there other than the fact that everybody else was doing it.

A firm faith in the universal providence of God is the solution of all earthly troubles.

The '80s were a really different time for kids.Technology has changed so much of how we stay in touch and keep tabs on people.

It might, too, have been the singular cold that alienated me; for such chilliness was abnormal on so hot a day, and the abnormal always excites aversion, distrust, and fear.