He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Love is the light that brightens every heart's darkness.

When dreams come true creativity becomes art.

Could it be that God is so intensely personal that He would burn down your world in hopes of building it back?

[on his use of tracking shots throughout his 50-year career] There's always a certain amount of camera improvisation.

I have very few friends. I have a handful of close friends, and I have my family, and I haven't known life to be any happier.

may I be I is the only prayer--not may I be great or good or beautiful or wise or strong.

The house was built on the highest part of the narrow tongue of land between the harbor and the open sea. It had lasted through three hurricanes and it was built solid as a ship.

The most powerful call to action of anything that we've ever tested: Let's get to work.I didnt create that phrase. It came from Rick Scott, the current governor of Florida.

Limited minds can recognize limitations only in others.

I seriously needed an extra-strength magic pillow, because my ba refused to stay put. [And no, Sadie, I don't think wrapping my head in duct tape would've worked either.]