He kept at true good humor's mark The social flow of pleasure's tide: He never made a brow look dark, Nor caused a tear, but when he died.

There are two reasons for drinking wine...when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it... prevention is better than cure.

Seamen three! what men be ye? Gotham's three Wise Men we be. Whither in your bowl so free? To rake the moon from out the sea. The bowl goes trim. The moon doth shine, And our ballast is old wine.

Clouds on clouds, in volumes driven, curtain round the vault of heaven.

The juice of the grape is the liquid quintessence of concentrated sunbeams.

The waste of plenty is the resource of scarcity.

Marriage may often be a stormy lake, but celibacy is almost always a muddy horsepond.

The mountain sheep are sweeter, But the valley sheep are fatter. We therefore deemed it meeter To carry off the latter.

I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.

Sir, I have quarrelled with my wife; and a man who has quarrelled with his wife is absolved from all duty to his country.

Names are changed more readily than doctrines, and doctrines more readily than ceremonies.

Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved.

A loving eye is all the charm needed: to such you are handsome enough

It was a good apple too. A good apple, picked by a madman on a full moon night.

Life can be real tough ... you can either learn from your problems or keep repeating them over and over.

No man can use his Bible with power unless he has the character of Jesus in his heart.

A beautiful hand is an excellent thing in woman; it is a charm that never palls; and better than all, it is a means of fascinating that never disappears.

What is it you most dislike? Stupidity, especially in its nastiest forms of racism and superstition.

I guess I'm like any other concerned father, except that nobody else's son guns a cycle over 17 pickups without holding on to the handlebars.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If I exorcise my devils, all my angels may go, too.