He looked at me with serious eyes, but not the kind that made me wonder what I’d done wrong. The kind that made me wonder what I’d done right.

What's even more messed up than funerals, is the way people treat you after the funeral. Like you're diseased or something.

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the Midol.

There are many who live Life in Fear, without taking risks. They don’t take chances. Alas! Not only are they missing chances, they are missing Life itself!

He had passed through an ordeal of wretchedness which had given him more than it had taken away. He had lost all he possessed of worldly property

He had to do so many things and make each appear as though it were the only thing he had to do. He had to compartmentalize everything, when on one task to pretend that the others didn't exist.

The man who trusts other men will make fewer mistakes than he who distrusts them.

There are people who would rather choke than go see my movies. They write me letters all the time.

If we are all made of God, it is our friends who remind us. We pass the gift of God to them. They pass it back to us when we need it most.

Of the quaking recruit, three pitched battles make a grim grenadier; and he who shrank from the muzzle of a cannon, is now ready to yield his mustache for a sponge.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

...he came to the conclusion that you cannot depend on people, and that you can live in peace only if you keep them at arm's length.

Why should I have my picture taken when I can get paid for it?