He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

However unlikely it may seem, it is the truth and, therefore, one hundred percent likely.

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.

In this world we're all travelers on the same ship that has set sail from one unknown port en route to another equally foreign to us

I want the attention, I love the attention.

I do have high expectations, like anyone does. I expect myself to do well. It comes with all of the work I've put in and what I expect from that work.

I'm one of those people that you have to keep your eye on or I'll wander off into the woods and forget to come back.

Great actions speak great minds.

The more you've got, the shorter it feels.

Everything we do, our entire interior monologue, is prayer.

Pulling on your country's shirt is the greatest honour a footballer can have. It's what I always dreamed of as a kid and I get a buzz every time.